Monday, June 30, 2014
Dusk to dawn, dawn to dusk.
I'm gonna be straight forward about this, this post is quite a rant/rage/emo post/ whatever else you wanna call it, it will not make anyone feel good after reading it. Unless of course you are a sadist, then go ahead and rejoice in my misery, I don't really care. I'm writing this cause I kinda want an outlet right now, and I think this will work as the outlet. So yeah. This post is about how the month of June has sucked so bad for me.
Let's start with the one good thing that has come my way.
In my camp, I've finally taken over as the full time armskoteman. Means I kinda get more off days, and I don't need to man gates anymore, i.e. I don't have to stand in the hot outdoors with the ridiculous SBO and rifle and wait for time to pass. Instead, I stay indoors, with aircon, and wait around for people to come to me and draw/send their rifles. Yay? Yes and no. True, it's more slack and I effectively work only 7 days a month and what not, but it comes with it's own burdens. To start, there's only 4 armskotemen. If any of other armskoteman want to take leave/MA/MC or whatever, one of the other 3 have to cover him. And that's already happened once, on the 21th of June. And the next time I have to cover is on the 1st of July. And while covering duty isn't terrible, it just sucks cause you'll be stuck with people u're completely unfamiliar with. And being the kind of guy I am, enjoying interacting with people, that sucks. So yeah... And also, 1 of the 4 armskotemen is an asshole who's always late. Just today, he took over me late by about 1.5hrs, making me miss having dinner with my campmates. And this same guy, he's also in the RSAF NDP GOH contigent. So on days which he has rehearsals, he comes late as well. God damn. Ah well whatever. These are just the small annoyances. Overall, I guess becoming the armskoteman has more good than bad... I'll be happy with that.
Let's move on to the shitty stuff.
To start, I got rejected by NTU, and my appeal was rejected as well, in june. So I don't have a uni placing and I've gotta think what the hell am I to do now. I could apply again next year and hope for the best, but between knowing my A's results and being rejected this year, I ain't very hopefull. All this fuels the anger I still harbor at my parents for sending me to JC. Rage boils within me whenever I think that they effectively wasted 2 years of my life and completely messed up my future options by forcing me into something I didn't want. For 2 years I torlerated that hellhole all for nothing. It leaves me angry, disappointed and lost, even. I really don't know what the hell to do now. I could go poly, but just thinking that I could have just done that before makes my blood boil. I have options, yes, but none seem to appeal much to me, All I see before me is red. Fucking parents. Why did they do this to me, I wonder. Stupid shits.
Next... well, where do I start on this. Well, with regards to the issue above, I had a row with my mom about their stupid decision and how it screwed me over, and all she had to say was that she didn't know this, didn't know that, and also that she doesn't believe that I actually did try my best. She thinks I was playing a fool with my girlfriend, making trouble with my teachers and what not. Fucking hell, what's a kid supposed to do when even his own parents refuse to trust him. Really. I mean, I only know my own mom and dad, but from the looks of it my parents suck real bad. Anyway, moving on to the main point here, after that argument, my mom got all emo and shit and suddenly a few days later, when i just got home from camp, I find that she's flying back home to India the very next day. Great plan, mess up your kid's future and then abandon him. Fucked up. She's still there and I don't really care if she comes back anyway. My sister went to join her there in june, so now it's just me, my brother and my dad at home these days. And while it isn't that bad, the shitty part comes in when the household chores come up. Basically, me and my dad do everything. Dad cooks and cleans up after himself, and I... do everything else. Wash dishes, feed the dogs, do the laundry, clean up the house, serve visitors, blah blah blah... and I'm honestly fine with it. But the problem is that I have to clean up after my brother too? His dishes, his laundry, all done by us. He does nothing but go to work and then come home to his computer. Like seriously, he's 22 and he can't do shit... And I'm stuck with this idiot. Bloody hell.
Moving on, shit in my camp is getting worse. My CO wants to change our 2on-2off system to a 7on-4training days-3off system. I won't go into his reasons for that shit, but as anyone can see, his system is definitely more shitty. I don't know when it's gonna change but yeah. He's trying very hard to make it happen. And when it does, shit in camp is gonna get much worse. People will definitely start to keng more. And when that happens, the rest will have to cover more. The future in camp looks pretty bleak.
And lastly... I would say this is the biggest shit that happened in June. Me and Jia Xin... We're no longer together anymore. I don't know if I should call it "we broke up" or "she broke up with me" or whatever. And I don't really want to discuss what happened here, cause it's a private issue between us. If you wanna know, come and ask me. Maybe I'll tell you. But what I do want to voice out is the feelings that come after... I feel shitty in so many ways, I don't even know where to start. Like, she was the one good thing that happened in JC for me. And now that's gone too. So it's really a 2 years down the drain for me. It just adds to my above rage. So infuritating. And it makes me even more lost. Like, before the breakup, I had some kind of motivation. That someone cares, and I should try harder not to disappoint. Before the breakup, when I taught of what to do after NS, she was a factor, a reason to try. So for that, I planned. I had a plan. But then this happened. And the plan... Doesn't matter anymore. Now when I think of the future, I remember what I had in mind and I feel fucked up. It makes me want to break down and cry, yet rise up in rage at the same time. And it doesn't end there. Eveyday I remember. And remembering hurts. I remember texting her when I book out and in. It made me feel like someone cared. Now when I book in and out, sometimes my family doesn't even know i'm back home till the next day. They even ask; how come you're back. They don't care. When I go out to places we went, I remember the times we spend together. I remember the shops she visited, the sales she loved, the places we dined, the food she loved. And it hurts. The other day, at clementi, I saw some clothes, and taught Jia Xin would like this, and I felt a prickle of pain inside. I didn't know what to do. I remember calling and talking to her most nights before sleeping. And now, I sleep much later cause it doesn't feel right, going to sleep without having that small chat before. And I don't know if I should try and forget, to ease the pain, or should I hold on to these moments and try to find joy in them. I don't know man.
There's really many more thoughts in my mind that I wish I could say, wish that I could let loose. But it doesn't feel right to rant it out here and let the rage and misery flow. And I don't want to hurt anybody. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I guess that's what this post is really about. A shout for help? But I don't even know if I want it answered. God damn me.
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